Wednesday, May 04, 2016

May The 4th Be With You...

Well, After a little more straight forwardness I basically admitted my thoughts to her, kinda mushy but she already Knew... Did I mention this? maybe. Wellll...

On to some other things.. I should have done earlier but now I'm being rushed. smh.
I have other things under my plate. it's hard to keep up, but the quality product is coming soon.


I'll be back later..

Monday, May 02, 2016

When It's Not what I Think, But It Is what it is..

Okay, I've stressed my mind by overthinking my situation with a friend. She's being pretty much more open with me than she ever has before, so I'll respect that for what it is. It just felt kind of weird. and made me feel like "I don't know"  But due to the fact that I respect her mind, her decisions and I that I love her to death. I just do my part and understand that I'm the privileged and that it's her way of showing love to me.

I love the friends I have, I respect them, I have a definite mutual understanding of where things should go between myself and my friends, Even with me may going overboard with things or joking too much or whatever the case may be. every time I talk to them is a gateway to discussing something that may be a bit personal or something that we've agreed not to discuss. those are the things I respect about my friends.

I Always say I need to go out and meet people to be with because my real friends are far away, well although that's true. I really don't need to be "crying about" being alone although that's how I may feel. I also felt Jealous because I'm not the "New Party" in my friends life. but I'm  okay with that at this point. in a protective way. but its all respect. and I love her for the priveledges I have a her friend.

Due to this PC being bound for shut down.. My Last words for this one is..
We gon' Make it!

- Book

Monday, April 25, 2016

It's a Lonely World out there.

It's amazing how music can make you feel crazy. it makes you realize where you are in life at times. You can laugh, cry, get angry and everything based on the type of music you listen to.

Listening to love songs all week has got me feeling lonely. Certain songs bringing me back to moments where I liked a certain girl and dreamed of being "That Guy" then it made me realize how Great artist who sang beautiful music about having a great relationship or being a great man or woman to their spouse, they Died single.

I don't wanna be that guy, I wan't a girl........... With a short skirt, and a long jacket (Cake) LOL!
But really, I Need somebody, I need somebody, I need somebody (Black & Blues by Al Jarreau)
But really though, Maybe i need to open myself up to other women that usually I wouldn't pay any mind. There are women that Like me that I have purposely disconnected with for whatever reason. but usually it's because I didn't have interest in them, So I didn't bother to give them the time of day beyond friendship. and even that faded because no communication on my part isn't good.. I love talking to women, I wanna hang out with them, But I haven't quite come across one That I like... That's the hard part because everybody's type, ain't my type.

As for me, I thinl too often, Sometimes I think that if other folks felt my pain, they'd probably explode. I personally wish I had the ability to Hulk out.  It's like there are things that I want, that I can't have or don't have and it's because i'm not in a position to have. therefore I'm angry at myself.  it's outrageous But I live.

Most of all, I'm tired of being The Lonely Man...

Don't really know how to feel about that.

There's moments when you're getting messages, talking to your friends, being friendly discussing some intimate things, personal things, real life issues, social issues, relationship issues and friendship issues. To have those people in your life is very important. but where I stand just is a pain to me. and it makes me want to get myself together, find someone  and try to be a great guy for a great woman someday.

I recently saw and talked to my ex, she gave me us updates as O rambled on about some nonsense....
She me her daughter asked about me which is cool. Her grandma's birthday was a few days ago., I had made her a copy of "The Imitation of Life" for that reason.  I was telling her about a recent convo with my best friend. which I've posted about basically.
regarding how I value my friendships. I talked to her about how myself and another friend discussed how relationships typically end friendships... Which let me to telling her that I personally don't like to have enemies and I'd rather get along with people, because my circle is small.
As for my Ex, She's married, There are boundaries that i can not cross with her, but of course she understands that.  I'm respectful and  not irresponsible. .

Beyond that,  Just thinking about Love, talking about love with other friends and their experiences as well as knowing their feelings about me. It's amazing, shocking nearly, but it's Tragic and beautiful in its own right. I listen, I love, yet I'm also lonely.  makes me wish I could be that guy, but i'm not because I'm not wanted. I deal with that out of love. yet it hurts bit.  I need to do better  so that I can have love.  because my love is limited to friends. That's not fair to me.  That's just how I feel.

Thinking of & Remembering My Cousin Chanel

In December of 2007, My cousin Chanel was murdered in cold blood, laying face first with 4 shots to the Back.. Today She is on my mind, I don't know what exactly brought this to me, but I thought about how messed up it was for her to be killed. She didn't deserve it. but people are just cold.

I guess, with Will Smith being killed in similar fashion (Shots to the back), It was something loose in the back of my mind. And with april being a month of Major cases and Celebrity deaths, for some reason It made me think back to the face my family (as beneath my grandmothers wing) was not raised like those among us. We all had things that kept us grounded and solid, some of us are Successful, some of us lead average lives. Yet it boggles me that my cousin was killed just 2 months after my grandma passed away..

There are other unfortunate incidents and or deaths within  family, but the murder of chanel stands out greatly because she was my little cousin, just 2 years younger than myself. I was greatly affected and thinking about it just hurts.

I was listening to pandora and some tunes came on that somehow made me think of the lives of the people in my old neighborhood and how many of us are no longer with us. Also how we lived just a door away but lived worlds apart.  basically, we all were raised differently and it shows. I am thankful for my life, I am also glad to see others succeed. but It hurts to think of that one situation. It also brought me back to the fact that I recently saw a post Chanel's baby sister made on facebook...

Sometimes I wish I could have been there to save her life. Sometimes I wish I could talk to her. I miss her, the family misses her.. I Cried today thinking of her because I miss her.  Life!