Friday, November 20, 2020

Gypped and angered.

While taking a brisk walk earlier this week, someone begged me for change . "My wife is pregnant. and we're trying to catch the bus." I gave the guy a hand full of whatever i pulled out of my pocket. 2 minutes later they passed me up again, the woman is smoking a Cigarettes as the guy was basically done with his Money hustle. My concern immediately turned to Anger. Part of it is because they came up to me unmasked and looking all rough.

Fast forward Yesterday: I'm taking another walk in another part of the city and an older guy yelled "Hey you got 43 Cent? I resoponded" "Sorry I don't have it" He yelled "Man F%$ YOU" ...
I just kept walking as he yelled more obscenities.

For the first time in my Adult life I desired knock somebody out.
This is not norma for me but It's what the world has become.

I will never put myself in the position to go to jail for nothing. and that's all i'm gonna say about that.

Sunday, November 17, 2019

Think Bright

Seems like 2019 I've came inside this space with a bunch of messed up thoughts due to what's been occurring. Do the whole lot I should have written about, but I'm glad I did not. I have so much work to do and it's time to get it right. But also it's time to leave the the bad things alone and focus on the greater good. It's time to change the course and fix all the problems one day at a time. I need to make this happen for my life to change, and to get what I want out of it. I am nearing 35, existing. Existing in a space that is beyond my control. But these things will change. I'm not young anymore oh, I am too old to be nobody. When I mean so much to many. 

That being said, I just have to put this out here. I've always had this concept of who I want to be, but it was never clear to me and it's still not clear today. But the person I should be now, I am not. This is because I've made bad choices to remain stagnant, and now there is something that I want and I can't have it waiting for me. I don't want to jinx myself into going another 15 years hopelessly roaming the Earth. It's my time and I got to take advantage of it. Trying to be ready for the world.

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

I need to free myself

No Lie man, I have been out of it, I lost interest in a whole lot of thing that lovely. And it's not that I don't care oh, because I do care, I care so much that I lost myself in it. And everyday I'm waking up trying to find myself., I feel like my life have been interrupted, or it's on pause, and on hold for other people. I'm sorry folks but, I got to make my life about me.

For years I have slept away my days, only to wake up overnight to do nothing for hours and hours and hours. And that's getting tiresome. I want to take control of my life. I want to be free.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Thank God for allowing that to happen

It was because of her, I was able to not only release my thoughts but have them questioned and thrown back at me, Now these are problems I need to fix in order to make myself great.  I’ve said a lot, I said too much. but that’s just me. I can’t excuse it. But I deserved and needed and wanted the responses she gave me. Therefore I am thankful for her. I really hope that We meet again and that my mind is clear.

Listening to music, made me realize that I listen to songs that are sad reflections. I need positivity and some of those songs have it. They’re just sad. Maybe I need to change my list a bit.

She Likes me and I am the problem, I am my own problem. I allowed her to say No without saying no. but she didn’t walk away. I think it’s time I limit communication for the spirit I’ve been dealing with to Wind down.

I Pray for better days, greater success and to LIVE AGAIN!
I want my life back and She reminded me that I have to take it.
Every choice I made was mine and I must own it and change it.
Dang I love her for challenging me in that way..
I value my friendships and I think she’d rather have me as a friend until I am able to “make it" … I respect that.  I told her I always wanted to be the man, but everything I’ve become, I tried to avoid and it all hit me at once.. Now I must shut up and heal, as I read in a recent blog..

To that girl.. I needed you and I let you know this, Thank you for you words.
Thank God for allowing this meet to happen. It’s just time I act and say nothing more.

Thursday, September 05, 2019

Looks like that dream is over.

I guess talking, and letting off too much information got me hit with the code words that put me in a zone  that I don't want to be in. .

In part, I did that to myself trying to speak my own truth. Living in my truth is like living in a box. Yesterday I told her that are the song called "man in the box" by Alice in Chains. That song reminds me of myself and a place where I really don't want to be..  I told her that, I don't want to believe that there is a box. But I know that this song basically Defines me.

,, there was a point where she felt like I was not telling the truth and that I was missing things, she said that it's like I am giving her pieces of information, and they don't quite fit together. That in itself made me think of another song, "pieces of a man" by Gil Scott-Heron.

And then there are also these lyrics

That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight Losing My Religion trying to keep up with you, but I don't know if I can do it. Oh no, I've said too much, I haven't said enough.

Loaing my Religion by R.E.M

For some reason I connect everything to music, she knows this about me, she knows a lot about me now, and I see that now she does not have any words, she's just letting me talk. I hope we continue to talk, I lost a potential love, and I gained another friend. That saddens me but I am forever grateful. Someday, someday, someday.

If anything, from what I have learned about her which is not much, LOL this is the girl I love to be with but I know that it's not going to happen anytime soon. Why, because I need to get it together.