Thursday, May 17, 2007

The Road to Nowhere is Long

Its weird yall, I got things on my mind that i wanna wright down but  yet i dont want to write them because it something that i dont wanna put out there like that, but i got da blues.. and not Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

Im serious.  some things left unsaid will probably continue to be a problem, with that said.. I am Unhappy with where i am in life...

Both physically and mentally.  I'm not focused on anything important. school is where i need to be. but yet i feel too that im dont have what it takes to succeed in that area. I'd love to do what i was doing in houston. but i know that if i want to make it a Career I have to have a Degree. 

At times i feel like im the smartest person on earth. Then i feel dumb in certain areas.
sy 22 years old, I feel that some where I cheated myself.  But yet the blessings have come and gone.

When I talk to people, usually its about the same Thing.  thats Band, What I saw on TV, and or what was going on in my mind about a particular situation. but yet, I cant tell people how my day went because I dont go anywhere I dont have a job. Im sittin up her Killing myself.

What i mean by that too is.. .. For the people who know me, they know wabout my Back problem. Well although it was surgically repaired, I still have pain in the area, mainy because i've gained  nearly 100 pounds within the 4 yeas after surgery. 

Being Fat Hurts.. Not because pf what people say, but because of what I do.  .. Just imagine how my day went Yesterday  which is also the new Usual for me

I've been Depriving Myself of the sleep i need so i wake up at mid day, get on this PC, Run back and forth to the Icebox for Coke, Rootbear, and food all day...

yesterday i hate 4 hot dogs back 2 back, and i think i want another .. and Im Serious yall... 

I'm currently hating myself right now. I need to get Out!!!!

You know sometrhing. before 2003 I didnt have any close female friends. now i have a great number who i am glad to have met, seen or even talked to online / phone.  but yet there's some spot in my heart that beats for another life. (yall know what i mean) .. I just wish It was possible that somebody came along that i can roll with for a while.  what's holding me back what im going through now. too..

in my downtime i was happy because of a few of my Bruhz on here keeped up with me when i was down and out  (Corey, Josiah, Malik from showtime)

Sometimes i feel that i owe people something. like, everybody wants me to succeed at the things i do. and I also want to. its just not my day..

There are things that im missing right now that I would like to have right now too.

as you can see, I've addtressed many of the situations Indirectly. Thats beause its more and Its things that i just cant say because I feel that Time will only tell what brings forth in my life.

4 Walls is a boxed room.  and  feel like im locked in whith a load of unexplained thoughts and feelongs. ahh man.. yall. Im just not Happy .. Yet Im Not Depressed.. Im just not Who or where I want o be. I blame myself.  Im a Wreck right now.
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