Sunday, May 22, 2011

That Which Breaks Me


core selfUnlike the many other entries I've posted in regard to the people around me. At this point I just want to reflect on myself. but unlike many other posts where I link my issues to other people are things I’m simply going to go in to detail about The things that keep me from achieving the things that I want to do.  All starting with Myself. Not necessarily Blaming myself. but Taking Ownership of the things I do and do not do. that eventually must make up for Really soon. or else I might go Crazy …lol j/k

At this Point In my life There are things that I have yet to accomplish, The Bad part is that I’m doing nothing about it. I rarely even talk directly about them unless I'm writing in here. Sad right? well hey/ When I was in Houston, I talked about what i wanted to do when I got home and why I want to do it… Part of that reason is because of the stereotypical aspect of the Black Man of New Orleans.

I wanted to be the man to defeat the odds. Yet when I got here. I was so Wrecked to the point that I just Gave up on the things I wanted to do.   Asde from that, Nothing was Here for me to do or get in to.. Now There are many things here to do. on my part I haven’t made the effort to get things done.  Why? well I always look at who i am and what I don't have or cant do and use it as the reason that i CANT do what i Need… Yet just like I've said before I always get to seem to do what I want to do…. and That’s the Crazy part about it. because doing what I want to do is keeping me Broke, Dependent and In my own World of Loneliness. And the reason nobody cares is because nobody knows how I really feel about being here.

My Recent Works  will come in due time. but I need to get things done to make it happen the way it SHOULD happen. … In My Opinion, I feel that I Owe my parents every dime they’ve offered me in the past 5 years. I’ve been Slightly looking for a Job to take care of my needs but it’s not working because I'm being picky about the things i do..  The reason as i mentioned before is because I don’t have a car, I can’t drive and I don't get up, get out and go.. But That’s all my fault.

The Things That Break me are the things I'm in somewhat of a denial of. I have to put this here to get it off my chest.. One of those things is Nostalgia. Although I always talk about people holding on to what was in the past or trying to Relive those moments now. I’m technically doing the same thing By Limiting myself to and staying within the boundaries of the bands. This is one of the reasons I've been slowly trying to step away from the front line of making myself available for those events.  

But It’s not Only Band, it’s Past time favorites, it Consciously effects me through my dreams and then waking up to the same thing over and over again. The Irony of this was talking about the Red Pill / Blue Pill Situation in the matrix (which i don't need to go in to detail on). But basically it’s about making choices in live that will effect my future for the better. I even saw a video about that on YouTube recently.

Another thing would be Doing what I Want to do. I rarely leave the house if i don’t feel like doing anything. But there are days where i just need to leave this place and I don't.. Such as today. a BEAUTIFUL DAY where i i could be out taking picture or filming.. Or a Monday where I could be out looking for a job. a way to make money to Support  my future ventures and hobbies.

I really hate that people think I make money doing what I’m doing. I am a popular dude but I don’t have much of an ego about. My self assurance level is very low. but when I’m encouraged, it feeds my ego. I like it, but everything seems to go wrong once its all built up.  It’s only a temporary thing. because I’d come back to my senses and realize that I am nothing, I am nobody, I am only a persona in which I’ve created for myself. In my opinion, in my mind I am a failure to my family. I am no better than the next man. yet I don’t like to see when others are down. It’s why I love helping folks out.. The Problem with that is.. Help doesn’t equal compensation.

Unlike many others, I don’t take credit for lots of the things i have done. or I'd blow it off as something minor. But at the end of the day other than a temporary happiness, I get nothing out of it. I’ve stated in the past that it’s all about Action. but My only actions or Inaction has kept me running in circles. The problem Re-Occurs because I allow it to happen. The Solution starts with me.

My goal is to defy all of these things , not by getting over them. but my doing what I NEED to do.. what I Must do to make myself a better man. or or to live up to that persona that was built upon myself. because if not. I’ll remain someone of Little Importance.

I’m tired of waiting for the opportunity, tired of being the man everybody goes to to fix their problems when i can’t fix my own. The few good friends, I to them about these things and they know. on my part i guess it may come off as wining or excuses. and that’s why i have to get beyond that.. Man I'm almost 27. I should be doing more with myself. every time I think of it. I think of dropping “The Book” so to speak.

I don’t like to ask for help, I don’t like to beg. but I need all the help i can get. Positive motivation. because negative reasons just keep me away from doing everything. everybody seems to have something negative to say about what i do or want to do. all i care about is making my situation work for me.  all it takes for me is to get up and go do something Productive and while limiting my time spent on something that I should consider being a pastime favorite.  It’s something hard to do but I’m slowly moving away from it..

Overall. I just want to take my talents and make it work for me, to get paid for it. and to get up and out of this household and Restart the process of education.  I plan to start small and finish Big, Hopefully it works for me.  But I just got to man up and Take the action to get there. This whole standing still doesn’t do me any good .. I’ll blog some time later. but I’m done for now. I’m about to get up here and try to figure out how to take over the world… while listening to Pandora and playing Cityville. LOL <—Shame right?! yep!.. I’m out.

Note From The Book

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