Monday, October 12, 2015

Apologetic Maybe?

For a time, around this time of year, I've been feeling apologetic. and then I realize that what ever happened was necessary and it was just meant to be the way that it was. and in the end i'm glad it  was. because without it. i wouldn't have gained something from it.

I'm talking about  my 2013.  I was in a relationship, a relationship that I eventually felt I was the only one "In it". then I take into consideration the girls situation and I feel bad for making some of the decisions that I did to get back at her for what she was doing on her own time. I remember how she stated It was not my business to know what she had going on outside of what we had. But what she was doing interfered with what I thought I had with her..

I  feel bad sometimes because I knew that she was trying to overcome something that was bigger than me, but I just wanted her to get over that while with me. I thought I was helping. but I really was just another guy filling some space in her life. for me. she was all I had. She brought Life to me. I was idle and she kept me moving, I appreciated that. She knows I appreciated that. but Her own decisions were also the reason we separated.

On my part. I wish I could have ended that sooner, it would have saved me some pain, Yet also. I think it was meant for me to go through that.

The reason I feel so apologetic is simply because I was the one that sparked the fire when I could have left it alone, ignoring what she had been doing, as well as the Joys of not knowing anything being totally blind to her truth.. yet maybe it was meant for me to find that out.
I was wrong for snooping through her emails. yet for me. it made me feel bad, yet it was the eye opener.

I remember telling her how I never thought that I'd be in a position where I'd be with someone who's past was also her present.  yet for the most part. Knowing for me was Accepting the past. but also knowing that it was still going on for sure was just the hurt for me..  and still I thought nothing different of her.

I still think she's a cool person. but at this time knowing that It was where she revealed her new love, which she also married, and now she had a child born at this time of year who just turned one. it just makes me feel like, Dang... what If I wouldn't have never even tried. what if  I wouldn't have been in that relationship...

Well. IMO, In that relationship I gained alot. and although it may not have been genuine, I felt that it was for a time being, and that's what mattered. Also. I had fun..I can't deny that..

I miss being in a relationship. but next time, I want someone who actually wants to be with me. and not someome who just needed a comforter for her own turmoil...  now days Honestly, i can say that I'm happy for her.
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